I’ve Been There
I remember screaming inside,” This can’t be my life!”
I Was One Hot Mess
In the course of 8 years of running my performing arts school, my health was in shambles. Overweight, overworked, and overwhelmed, I barely slept more than 4-5 hours a night. My diet sucked (if I did eat) and I hadn’t danced or even exercised – for almost 8 years!
I also spent those 8 years in a horrific legal battle that left me with an incredible amount of debt (but that’s a story for another day).
At 51, my mind, body, and spirit were broken. I was miserable, filled with depression and anxiety, and in and out of the hospital several times for stress-related illnesses. I was one hot mess whose life was out of control.
Waking Up
During Covid, I was no longer able to work 18 hour days, 7 days a week, and so I was forced to slow down and well, take a hard look at my life. I realized not only was my mental and physical health suffering, but my most important relationships suffered, as well. My kids were emotionally distant and my marriage barely existed. Michael and I were living more like roommates than husband and wife.
I was so pissed as I realized I had lost so much over the years. Years I could never get back. I remember screaming inside, “This can’t be my life!”
Hitting Rock Bottom
The critical moment came one day when I was cleaning the house and came upon some old journals of mine. Journals that spanned the past 25 years of my life.
As I sat on the edge of my bed reading through them, I was shocked. Leafing through journal after journal that spanned a couple of decades, I realized all the dreams, wishes, and goals I had for my life, I was still wishing for – 25 years later! I had never achieved the dreams that were deep in my heart.
I cried as I thought to myself, “If I were dead and my kids found my journals, what would they think of me?” Would they see their mother as a failure? An embarrassment? A woman who had dreams and never pursued them? Someone who complained, but didn’t change anything? A woman who gave up?
Would they end up resenting me? Would they shake their heads in pity and disgust when they remembered me?
Would I be an example of how NOT to live their lives?
Or worse, would they live their lives as unfulfilled as I was? Like me, would they live an unlived life?
As morbid as my thinking was, it was in that moment that I knew I had to make some serious changes. I decided right then and there, this was not how I was going to be remembered. This was not going to be the example I’d leave. “No”, I said to myself, “This shit’s gotta change. Now!”
Taking Control
So I made the difficult decision to close my school down permanently, as even thinking about returning gave me panic attacks. And while leaving my students was hard (as I loved them so), I knew it was the right decision – for me and what was truly important to me – my health, my life, and my family.
I took time to reflect on what I wanted (and didn’t want) in my life.
I invested in myself by getting the help I needed to heal from the traumas and beliefs that had been holding me back.
I started taking care of myself through exercise, proper nutrition, and sleep.
I started to lose weight and get in shape
I started repairing my relationships.
I got out of debt.
I learned to set boundaries around my work and life.
I started dancing again.
I began to own my dreams, and set goals and a plan to achieve them.
I wanted to be an inspiration and build a legacy for my family. I wanted to rebuild my marriage, take charge of my life, and not waste another moment wishing for what I dreamed for.
From an Extra to Leading Lady
So though it wasn’t easy, I took back control and became the
Leading Lady of my Life.
Today, you will find me spending time with my husband in our renewed marriage. We moved out of California and are busy building a new life together on 22 acres in Arkansas. We call it Life 2.0.
I also cherish spending as much time as possible with our 3 grown children and beautiful grandchildren, and living in a renewed faith in Jesus Christ.
Doing What I Love
I’m also happily busy with my media company, SPB Media Entertainment Group, and I have returned to performing again with my performance company, SPB & Co. Why did I think I should ever retire from doing what I love?? Because others said it was time? BS! I’m owning my dreams. Just like you can!
