Ep1 – What the heck am I doing here? And what I’m doing to get away when I can’t get away
A Journey of Resilience: Embracing Change, Finding Peace, and Building a New Life
Ever felt a divine nagging pushing you towards an entirely new path? Join me as I embark on an intimate exploration of life’s unexpected twists, prompted by what feels like a spiritual pestering to share my journey through podcasting. This episode offers a raw and honest reflection on my transition from the bustling life of California to the serene landscapes of Arkansas. The pandemic served as a turning point, allowing me to reset my priorities and find peace amidst the chaos of burnout from running a performing arts school. I discuss the importance of shedding the burden of perfectionism in favor of a more mindful and genuine approach to life and work.
Experience the emotional rollercoaster of caretaking and the impact of losing a parent, which has reshaped how I view my own mortality. Moving across the country in my 50s to start anew on a farmstead brought its share of skepticism and challenges, from home renovations to juggling work commitments. And now how finally, after 3 long years, I’m taking some time for me with an “At-Home Retreat!”
This episode is all about resilience and the tools that help navigate life’s unpredictable nature. Connect with me through this journey of authenticity, sharing stories, insights, and perhaps even a few laughs, as we build a community rooted in support and shared experiences.
Hope to see you on the path. Who knows where we’ll end up.
Want to reach out? Do so here: contact@shariseparviz.com
Transcript
Sharise Parviz: 0:01
Good morning. So this is my first audio recording, I guess, of my at-home retreat diary. I’m not sure what this is, I’m not quite sure why I’m doing this and the I don’t know you know. Okay, so for me, when God talks to me, I feel it in my body and it’s such a strong pull and it’s really kind of incestant and I really do consider it like he’s pestering me. Until I listen to him and do what he tells me to do, he just keeps pestering me. It’s kind of like he’s poking his little finger into my arm. You know he doesn’t have a little finger, but you know what I mean. He’s poking his finger into my arm and just keeps poking and poking and poking at me until I finally say, okay, okay, let’s do it, and so that’s kind of where I am with this.
Sharise Parviz: 0:59
I’m not quite sure what’s going to come up by this, where I was thinking about I’ve been thinking about doing a podcast for a while and, um, but I’m like, really do we need another podcast? I mean, come on, really Do we really need another podcast? I don’t think we do, but it just I couldn’t shake it and I’m not sure why and I went. You know, I need to just go with it, because I made a commitment to myself, as I guess this might be a little longer than I expected it today. So we’ll see what happens. Okay, I’m just shooting from the hip here on this, guys, I’m just doing, saying my thing and do it. I don’t know who’s going to listen to this. If anybody’s going to listen to this, and that’s okay. And maybe it’s just for me to get it out and get it down and get it out of me, and that’s okay too. And so there’s no glitz, there’s no glamour, there’s no production value, there’s no fancy intro music. I mean, if I decide to continue with the podcast, maybe we’ll get there. I’m just going to just share honestly, for whatever reason and for whoever it is, whether it’s just me alone, or me and my family, or me and my family and others, or nobody I’m just going to do this because this is what I’m being called to do, this is what God is poking me in the arm to do, this is what God is pestering me to do, and if I’m going to have any peace, I have to go ahead and just do it. So I’m just doing it, all right. So here we are. So so, again, I don’t know that we need another podcast, but let’s just do it. So I thought well, one of the things that I could start with is I’ve decided to do an at-home retreat. Not sure how long. I thought about two months of that. Well, we’ll see if we can do two months. I’m not sure that I can stay away from my commitments for two months. We’ll see.
Sharise Parviz: 2:46
Again, playing it by ear, I was getting to that point, wasn’t I? So I made the commitment to not overthink things too much when I had my business, my performing arts school, before COVID. I overthought all the time. I worked 18 hours a day, literally no exaggeration, and it was seven days a week, and I overthought and overthought and overthought and overthought and was very perfectionistic and burned myself out. And, quite honestly, when COVID came this is a whole nother story in itself, but just to make it short, when COVID came I was relieved because I knew that I was killing myself literally and I couldn’t step out. And then, when COVID came, I was finally able to kind of shake up and go. I can’t do this anymore, and for lots of different reasons which I won’t go into right now because that’s not what’s really important, although I will at some point because it’s an important. It was an important moment in my life and in realizing what I was chasing and why I was chasing and why I was burning myself to the ground. Anyway, that’s another day.
Sharise Parviz: 4:06
But when I decided to close that business down and three years ago we well, 2021, yeah, three years ago we decided to move away from California and we settled in Arkansas. We weren’t sure we were going to, but we said, let’s just go and see. You know, all of our kids were grown, let’s just go see if we like it. We left all of our stuff in California, came out to Arkansas, literally had nothing. I mean a few items that we filled in the pickup truck and took off and and that was it, and everything else was just left on my mother-in-law’s property over there in California. So we packed everything up in whatever it was a 53-foot trailer, you know and got everything packed up. But we left it there because we weren’t sure where we were going to land and we took some time. We knew we were going to move and we took some time and we landed here.
Sharise Parviz: 5:02
I’ll go into that another time. It’s a whole story in itself. I have a lot of stories, I guess, but that’s not where I want to go to right now. Let’s stay on topic.
Sharise Parviz: 5:10
So anyway, when I decided we moved, I decided to make the commitment that I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever overthink things so much I wouldn’t, because I would get analysis, paralysis, it’s just overthinking, and then you know, and then I would just talk myself out of it and and it was just too much and I said I’m never doing that again. And it took me quite some time to even think about teaching again in any aspect. I moved from the performing arts field and I got my medical training and my naturopath training and my herbalist training and my life coaching training and all of my trainings. But it took me some time to really think about whether I wanted to teach again or run sessions again or classes or whatever, because I was just I mean not to belittle PTSD, but I really felt like I was just it would put me in a state of anxiety. So it took me some time to get over that. And then I decided, yeah, I just I do want to open up my own practice
Sharise Parviz: 6:19
Anyway, regardless, when I decided, whatever business I was going to go into. Regardless, when I decided whatever business I was going to go into, I committed to myself I would not over plan and overthink. I just would not do it. I know myself enough to give the best of myself, but there’s going to be sometimes good enough is just good enough. And I don’t mean that I’m not going to give my best. I will always give my best because that’s just who I am, but I’m not going to burn myself out. So that was a commitment I made myself. So when I decided to start this audio diary podcast whatever this burn the boats is going to be I said you know what? I’m just shooting from the hip, I’m just going for it. We’ll see where it ends up. So here we are, all right. All of that being said, so why am I doing an at-home retreat? Sharise Parviz: 7:14
Well, the past three years has been crazy in many good ways and in not so good ways. In many good ways, we landed in Arkansas, loved it. We found a gorgeous, beautiful property. It took us a year to find a property that just spoke to us and we did, and it was just I drive up on our property. And every time I drive up you know well, maybe not every time, but a lot of the times I just am in awe. I’m like Lord, I don’t know how. I don’t know how we got this. I mean thank you, because it’s just, it’s a, it’s been a blessing. I’m going to cry here because it’s just. I’ve never experienced something so beautiful and peaceful. And also, my husband and we recommitted ourselves to our relationship and to building our relationship, and that was great. And then, of course, doing all of my trainings and all of my certifications and all the boards and doing all that was great. At the same time, it’s been a really hellish year.
Sharise Parviz: 8:22
My husband, five years ago, became very ill and nobody could tell us why and that’s again another story but I finally took over his healing because the doctors weren’t able to figure out what was going on and his liver was being damaged from the medications, and so I finally, just three years ago, took over his healing. Well, I guess it was two years ago. I took over his healing. I said enough, and that was really the start, the impetus of me going into health. I mean, I’ve always been into health because of my own health issues in the past, but really going and becoming an official right, because I thought I’ve got to heal my husband, I’ve got to get him well, and he is. I mean, he went from not being able to walk or use his hands or button his pants or to now is walking and cutting down trees and walking 22 acres, and we live on a mountain, so it’s not flat terrain and he’s walking and he’s. We live on a mountain, so it’s, you know, not flat terrain and and he’s walking and he’s not falling and I mean it’s. It’s really, I would say, miraculous, you know. But and I know what you know everything that we’ve done, it is a miracle and I thank God all the time because God has gave me the opportunity to learn what I needed to learn to help him heal, and I praise God for that. But it was not easy and so it’s been two years. He’s not all the way healed. There’s still some minor issues that we’re dealing with, but they’re minor. They’re so minor but yet he’s not complete, so we’re still working through those things.
Sharise Parviz: 10:02
Anyway, if you’ve ever been a caretaker and I don’t mean you know, even just being a mom, if you’re just a mom, you know what that’s like. You know you get burned out. You know caretaking, but when you’re dealing with someone who’s sick, it’s a real toll and you know it’s a real toll Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. It can really challenge you. That it it was challenging. So it was that. And of course you know, just moving in itself is challenging, even if it’s a good move. Change has changed, no matter what. It’s difficult, even if it’s a good change. You know it can be difficult and that’s okay, you know we just prepare for that.
Sharise Parviz: 10:53
But so moving to a whole new state, people thought we were crazy. We’re moving in our 50s, starting new careers, we’re building a farmstead, you know, I mean in our 50s, and people are like, you know, people are families and friends. What are you doing? You know people don’t do this in your age. I was like, well, why not? I mean, I don’t believe I never really thought about that anyway, about, you know, you know, get too old for something, that I think that’s nonsense. But why not? Anyway, so that. But so that was a difficult challenge but we manage, you know. But it was still. You know it’s been one thing after another. And then my mom we passed last year and that was very difficult. She had been sick for a while, dealing with dementia, and her passing was very difficult, and the interesting thing is that it wasn’t just her passing, her passing that was difficult.
Sharise Parviz: 11:45
But when you have a parent pass, I think something happens as you realize your own mortality In a way. I think that, well, I’ll just speak for myself I realized my own mortality in a way that I never realized it before. I mean, we all know, you know, we’re not going to make it out of this life alive, right, I mean, we’re, all you know, have a slow death sentence. But I think you know, and age has never been an issue for me, I’ve never been thinking that age has ever been a limitation. I mean ever. It just hasn’t been. But when my mother passed, you know it was was like, oh my gosh, my mom’s gone, my parent is gone. I mean just that you recognize and realize that. Oh, you know well, you’re next in the generation and the family. You know what I mean and it’s it gives you a level of maturity that I don’t think you know. Realizing your own mortality gives you a level of maturity that I don’t think you gain until you realize your own mortality and you realize you don’t have any more time to lose or to waste, and I don’t want to go into that too deep, but just in, not here, but because I’m just trying to give an overview right now. So I don’t want to go into anything way too deeply here. But so there was that.
Sharise Parviz: 13:20
And then there’s been some personal issues with some family. That has been very difficult to kind of. You know, and even though I know all the things I mean I am a life coach. I work with people all the time, with relationships and their health. You know it doesn’t mean that I have all the answers myself, right. First of all, you know I have my own coach, because it’s very hard sometimes to see our own stuff. But also, you know, it’s life is life and everybody experiences it. And you know I have the tools and I know things to do that. But that doesn’t mean that life doesn’t hit me hard too. It just means that I have the tools. I think that I can recover and realign myself a little quicker, you know, but it doesn’t mean I feel it any less than any of my clients feel.
Sharise Parviz: 14:18
Anyway, so all of these things coming up and then my house being on a renovation, which was oh my gosh, I can’t even tell you a year of having my house torn up. I it’s that was. That was beyond, beyond. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced having. You know, we couldn’t get anybody to work on the house when we moved in. Okay, we moved into the house. It was not live in ready. I mean, it was a disaster. They had renters there who just completely with dogs tons of dogs and dog smells and we got the carpet replaced immediately but we couldn’t get workers in before we needed to move in. And so, you know, I got it cleaned right myself, because I couldn’t even find cleaners to come in, which is okay because I don’t use chemical cleaners, so in, which is okay because I don’t use chemical cleaners. So I went in and cleaned and we got the floors replaced because they smelled like pee, dog pee, I don’t know. I don’t know what, all kind of pee, but it was like pee. So we got all that done, but we couldn’t get workers to get in and fix the house before we moved in. So we moved into the house and we finally found someone and he was great. There were some issues and you know, but all in all it was really good.
Sharise Parviz: 15:29
But it took a year to get my house done, a year of noise and distractions and I’m trying to work with clients over the phone or, you know, meeting them in person and you know, and the goal for this property is that this is where I’ll be holding my own retreats and, once the property is done, it’s bringing because it’s so peaceful here the walking and bringing clients up here. But for the year this past year just ended about three weeks ago it’s been under chaos, just the noise and the work and the dust and oh my gosh. Anyway, I’m very blessed to have the home I have, but, yeah, not fun, I mean. Yeah, it was not easy. So, okay, all of that going to past, my house is almost renovated. We’re cleaning up some things that he couldn’t finish, which is fine. We’re doing some touch-up work that we are doing personally.
Sharise Parviz: 16:22
But I realized, I looked in the mirror and I just realized, between my husband being ill and my mom’s passing and relations with my daughter that are rocky right now, and just all the things, and I looked in the mirror and I went, wow, who the hell are you? What happened to you? What the hell happened? I just wasn’t looking like me, I was worn down, I was tired, I felt toxic, I just felt a toxic burden. I have gained weight, because just here’s the other thing about being a caretaker when you’re caretaking for someone else’s health, even though you know all the stuff, it’s very easy to not take care of yourself and to not make that time. And so I realized that I didn’t recognize who I was, you know, and I didn’t like what I was seeing.
Sharise Parviz: 17:19
So now that everything has pretty much come to, you know, a fairly stable place, I’ve decided to go ahead and I told my husband I need some time and he says, well, take the time. If you need to get away, get away. And I thought about it. I thought you know where can I go? And I thought, well, actually I don’t really want to go anywhere. Again, I live on 22 acres of beautiful country I mean winding roads and ponds and butterflies and hummingbirds, and it’s like I don’t want to go anywhere. This is my retreat, it’s beautiful. And why would I want to go someplace? This is where we came to escape. Why would I want to go someplace? This is where we came to escape. Why would I want to escape from it? Right, I mean, I love it here. There’s no place I would want to go. That would give me more peace than my own home right now. I mean, it’s gorgeous and it’s peaceful.
Sharise Parviz: 18:16
And the other thing is I thought, well, wherever I go, I can’t necessarily trust how the food is being made. I really really the chemicals and the Clorox and the bleach and the chemical cleaning and the sanitation and blah, blah, blah. I can’t really trust any of that. And my goal is to detox, right, and to be in a place where I know that the environment is very green and very healthy, you know, and really that I can control. Yeah, maybe the control freak is coming out of me, but I think it’s very important. This point, the whole point, is for me to detox. I don’t need to put myself in a toxic situation to detox, right.
Sharise Parviz: 18:58
So I said no, I said and well, and also there’s, I do still have some responsibilities that I can’t just walk away from. For, you know, a few weeks, right, maybe a week, but again, I’d rather not go because I love my home. But even more than that I can’t because you know my husband still needs me, and not 100% of the time, you know anymore. But you know I want to make myself and be available, you know, because we are still working through things, but he’s mostly completely independent. But I’m just helping him, you know, doing some things or getting him started on some different protocols. What have you to try to to? You know, fine tune what we’re working on, and I really just don’t feel that it’s the right time to leave completely, you know, for a time.
Sharise Parviz: 19:46
So I decided to just do an at-home retreat, and so that’s what I’m doing, and so that’s why I’m doing it at home. And so what do I plan on doing? Well, gosh, so tomorrow I’m going to start with just getting all of my materials prepared, right, and I’ll share all about that tomorrow or when I post next. But today, you know, it’s basically just deciding what it is that I want to do, what I don’t want to do, you know, and how I want to work this retreat. I don’t know how long I will do it, for I have decided that I want to start with a liquid GAPS fast. I don’t know if it’ll be one day, I don’t know if it’ll be three days, but I just feel like I need to do a little bit more strenuous cleanse to begin with, right, and then I’ll move into GAP’s intro diet and move forward with that. So I know I just got to get all my materials prepared and all of that, which that is my plan. Well, today, I think I said today, I think that’s my plan today is to just get everything prepared, get everything ready and then get started. And so what my goal here is to put it down, and maybe this is the start of building out my own retreat, when I start to bring my clients and running weekend retreats here. Maybe this is what’s going to develop out of it. I don’t really know, but I’m excited to get started.
Sharise Parviz: 21:20
I’m excited to take this time for myself. I know that I will be better by taking this time for myself, and it’s not just physically that I’m working on trying to take care of myself, but I need to take time to gain some direction. I want to take time for my meditation and for my prayers, and I want to do some dancing again. I haven’t danced for a while. I really worked out for a while or even my yoga sporadically, because I’ve just been so busy with all the things, and so I want to get back into my groove again and enjoy these things and start to gain a little more insight, spend some time praying and meditating and seeking some answers and asking other white questions, you know, maybe seeking what the right questions are to ask, whatever it is, and just coming into myself, both physically, mentally, giving my mind some peace and a break, and spiritually, you know, finding out my heart, getting closer into what it is.
Sharise Parviz: 22:31
The next direction of my life is looking like and we’re burning the boats. I mean, when we, my husband and I, came out here, we burned the boats. We left California, not our families, but we left California when we recommitted our lives to each other and our relationship right. We had a rocky marriage for 20 years, 20 years of rocky marriage, and when the kids all left the house, it was like, well, what are we going to do? And we either decide to, you know, abandon ship or burn the boats. And we decided, no, we’re here, I love you, we love each other. Let’s burn the boats and stop indulging. I’m going to talk about me here in doubt and in the past.
Sharise Parviz: 23:17
So, you know, our lives are about burning the boats right now, giving up the past, putting it away allow, you know, giving it the space it needed to heal, and then putting it to bed and moving forward on the path ahead, committing to what’s ahead, focusing on what’s ahead right, and not giving ourselves the capability, the ability of going backwards. Now, if it doesn’t work out, guess what we can always do Build a boat and move into another direction. But right now the boats are burned and we are moving forward and committed into this new direction. Not sure where it’s going to take us, but it’s an exciting time. You know, this second part of our lives, it’s exciting, it’s exciting, it’s exciting, it’s exciting, it’s it’s fun in many ways. And, um, I’m looking forward to the adventure ahead.
Sharise Parviz: 24:21
So so this is the reason for my at-home retreat, this, so I’m sharing it, for I don’t know why that’ll. That answer will come when it’s ready to come. And, uh, I, if you’re here and you’re going to join me, uh on as I post. I’m not sure when I’m going to post, how often I’ll post, whether it’ll be daily or every other, I don’t know. You know I will definitely uh, uh, put the link out on on X and um on my website and I’ll send it out in an email. So if you’re on my email list, you’ll get it there.
Sharise Parviz: 24:52
But again, I’m just. Again, there’s no perfectionism here. There’s just me, raw and real, the joy, the pain, the love and just the sharing, just sharing who I am and what my heart is saying and what I’m doing and how it’s going and what’s working and what’s not. So if you’re going to join me, welcome and feel free to also. You can email me or you can message me on my website and if you have any comments or questions or anything like that, you know, and maybe I’ll get to a Q&A sometime during this. You know retreat and this audio diary. I will see you know, but I look forward to hearing from you. Feel free to connect with me on X. You can find all of my social media handles on my website at www.ShariseParviz.com. And yeah, I’m looking forward to what this time brings for reflection and revelation. And if you join me, welcome, welcome aboard, although there’s the island, since we’ve burned the ships, we burned the boats. So welcome to my island, my island. All right, talk soon.